The Case Of The No Good Very Bad Bat


img_0447.jpgSo something a little embarrassing happened the other day.

I’m man enough to own up to it.

No judging.

Okay, so it was a dark and stormy night.

It wasn’t actually storming but it was about 2 am in the morning. I was playing Neverwinter furiously on my PS4 and doing battle with a big bad boss. I was toe to toe with a gigantic looking Viking guy; each of us swinging our swords but only one of us could come out alive.

Sweat beaded my forehead as the big bad seemed to take the advantage, but then I used my smiting ability to knock him back to next week.

I kept seeing this dark shadow at the corner of my vision. At the time I thought it was an annoying moth, but the video game boss took all of my attention. I had no time for crazy insects. When I was done I’d deal with the aerial menace.

The boss fell. I put down the controller satisfied I was a genuine bad-ass.

Now where was that freaking moth?

I looked around and saw a ginormous (ginormous is  a word now so deal with it) freaking bird! It was circling and clearly looking for a midnight snack. It took me but a moment to leap up  from the couch and run to the bedroom where my gorgeous lady was fast asleep. I burst into the room yelling that there was a bird invader in our house.

It took a moment for her to comprehend what I was saying. The two guard dogs (one Retriever and one Chihuahua) jumped to our defense. They began barking madly – teeth bared they charged into the living room where battle was joined.

We charged into the living room behind our ferocious beasts and grabbed them about the collars. We dragged them, spittle flying menacingly, into the bedroom and certain safety.

In those few moments we both realized that it wasn’t a bird that had invaded our domicile…but a man-eating bat.


Fearless Dexter

My courageous lady grabbed a towel from behind the bedroom door and began to resolutely march out to do battle. I followed behind. As we reached the door she put her arm out to the side halting my progress.

“You stay here with the dogs, Baby. Keep them safe”, she said.

A tear fell from the corner of my eye and traced its way down my cheek. I feared I’d never see her again but I knew my duty. I went to the bed and called the dogs.

We sat huddled together on the bed.

We could hear the small grunts, squeaks and heroic ‘ohhs’ coming from the living room, where my battle princess was doing her best to rid our home of the man-eating bat.

Five minutes later, she returned. Her hair in disarray. Her face flushed from exertion. The towel nowhere to be seen. She announced that the bat had been vanquished to the great outdoors.

Instead of trying to capture the great beast, she realized that if she held the door open, it would fly outside.

That’s my Baby. Not just beautiful but damn smart too.

I have since begun to train in the bat-tle arena. The next time a bat invades, they will not find the same man again.

Um, yes it will. I guess I’m lucky to have my lady and two fearless battle dogs.



  1. Are you sure it can’t get back in? You’re lucky it flew out the door. I once had a bird in my office, and the darn thing refused to leave the building – and it was a Friday. I made quite a spectacle chasing the poor thing around with a broom, until it did, finally, go out the side door. I was afraid I’d have to spend the weekend in the office with it so it wouldn’t starve or something.

    • Hahaha. You sure do. She was a champ. Reminded me of those medieval movies where the castle is being stormed and the stoic knight herds the women and children into a cellar or something and tells them to keep quiet.

      Except I was the women and children. Two carnivores shared the safe place with me.

  2. don’t you listen to those guys. Bats zooping around the room (and yeah, it’s scary for them too) in the middle of the night is definitely scary. Your girlfriend did good, no shame no blame.

    Now you know how, too. =)

  3. I was skyping with my sister in law and her girls last year in Sydney when I watched a magpie (big bird, swoops, and can be really vicious in Spring) casually walk down the corridor behind them… completely unawares. I watched, and i watched, trying to actually figure out if what i was seeingwas real, and upon deciding it was, promptly told them that they should probably look behind them. I don’t think I stopped laughing for a week.

  4. We had a bat in the house once. It got in through a vent and spent a day or two inside the walls bumping around before it found its way into our kitchen. By the time we found it, it was hungry and exhausted, and too weak to put up a fight. We got a photo, then used a towel to take it outside. Poor thing, I hope it recovered.

    But it’s a reminder that even indoor pets need their rabies shots. We have a cat now, who can snag a flying moth out of the air, so a tired bat wouldn’t stand a chance!

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