When Do You Call It Quits In a Relationship?

My partner making a weird face in my mom's backyard
ME

My partner making a weird face in my mom’s backyard

Before we begin, I just want to stress that I’m no relationship expert. I’ve left behind a wreckage of relationships and only hope that my current one stays afloat.

That being said, my partner and I (I say partner because ‘girlfriend’ sounds so childish in my ears) recently had an interesting discussion about commitment in a relationship.

It started out by her talking about what she envisioned her wedding to be like. I believe it opened with a question that sounded something like, “Um, if you were to get married, would you be opposed to a small wedding? Maybe 15 people or so? I mean, just close family.”

Immediately my close to (birthday is August 6th so I’m not 40 yet damn it!) 40-year-old ears perked up.

I needed to play this cool.

Me: “I’d be fine with that. Could I make Dexter my best man? Maybe put the ring on his collar or something?”

Her: “Haha. That would be funny. I’d be fine with that.”

Me: *nods head* “Are we talking hypothetical scenario here or about you and I?”

Her: “You and I, silly.”

Me: “Oh….” *grips steering wheel a little tighter* “We just moved in together. How do you know if we will even like living together? What if it doesn’t work out?”

Her: “Then we will work on it. It’s all about commitment.”

Me: “I’m cool with commitment but what if we talk about problems and one person says they’ll work on or do something and we end up having that same discussion over and over again with nothing being done?”

Commercial break: Now that I think about it, I might not be so cool with commitment. Yes, I can stay with someone for a long time, but I’m nearly 40 and not married. I was married at 19 and separated shortly after and I’ve never felt the desire to repeat the experience.

MEDEx

Dexter sharing kisses in the car

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Her: “Then we would discuss that it isn’t okay that nothing is being done despite one of us saying we would work on this thing.”

Me: “Well…what if still nothing is done? How much does this commitment thing go on before you or I call it quits?”

Her: “It will get done.”

Me: “But, but what if it doesn’t? What if because we think we must be committed wholeheartedly to this thing we’re building, we take each other for granted? Without the possibility that one of us will leave given enough reason, don’t we give the other person carte blanche to do whatever they want, without considering the needs or wants of the other?”

Her: “That won’t happen, baby.”

Now I admit that I might be a curmudgeon. Marriage scares me. I don’t even know why particularly, but I’ve always resisted in relationships where the other person wants to be married.

And don’t get me wrong, I give the deepest kudos to those who make marriages work. I just sometimes doubt I’m the marrying kind. I almost always end up being disappointed in my partner – and in humanity in general. I think I have high expectations and that in many ways, sabotages relationships.

But while I may have high expectations, I don’t want to settle either. I don’t want to marry someone because I think they’re ‘just good enough’. I don’t think that’s fair to them or to myself.

So I’m stuck with my expectations.

But I’m getting off track. Forgive me, dear reader.

Do you think I have a point about commitment? Should commitment be unconditional or is there a point where you throw up your hands and head for the nearest exit sign?

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63 Comments

  1. “Well…what if still nothing is done? How much does this commitment thing go on before you or I call it quits?”

    That is a valid question and I have no clue what the answer is, so sorry I’m no help. I’ll be follow the discussion to see what others say.

    Has your partner been married before?

      • OK, I’ve been thinking about this post a lot and after reading others’ comments here is what I think.

        I have many (mostly) hypothetical questions: have you not committed to marriage simply because you are afraid to commit or have you not found a person you wanted to make a life with? And is marriage necessarily even required? I’m guessing marriage to your partner is a WAY bigger desire for her than for you which *could* end up being a problem. But maybe not. Time will tell. Just be open and honest with each other about where you are at.

        You say you’ve disappointed your past partners…is that over things you can work on or are you constantly attracted to people with unrealistic expectations?

        This situation with your partner talking about marriage doesn’t warrant an either/or black/white response. You don’t have to just jump ship now OR decide to marry because you “should.” You just moved in together, for goodness sake! See how it goes.

        You asked when to call it quits in a relationship. I would say when either person is no longer willing to do all they can to make it work and/or when you know your needs, wants, goals, etc can no longer converge even with the compromise that is necessary to make relationship work. OR, obviously, if the relationship was abusive or toxic.

        I hope this helps.

  2. I’m married. I think it all depends on how you and your partner define commitment. Everyone has a breaking point. Every marriage faces things that could not be expected. At the end of the day, like most everything else, marriage is a choice that you make as a person. Choices can change. Sometimes, choices need to change. Few marriages last, even fewer last with joy. To me, marriage changes nothing but taxes. My choices are not defined by a piece of paper, but it means a lot more than that to others.

  3. I’m going to wade in, here. I was your partner. I thought I could work hard enough for both of us. I thought we would talk about it and things would change.

    I have no answer for where the breaking point is. No one has that answer except for the people in the relationship. It isn’t up to anyone else where the breaking point is, only the individuals who make up the relationship.

    There is something to be said for commitment; that you won’t bolt at the first sign of trouble. But there’s also something to be said for knowing your own self well enough to know when you’ve tried hard enough.

    For me, I’m a ‘leave all out there on the field’ kind of person. I may need to walk away, but when I do it will be after I’ve given it my all. Trouble with that is, I end up giving way more than is probably wise or necessary. There comes a point when you see the other person isn’t as committed and/or doesn’t care as much about the relationship as you. Then you have to make a decision.

    I have one nosey-ass question, though. Did you guys discuss whether or not each of you wants to be married before you decided to move in together? You don’t have to answer that. But surely this isn’t your first discussion about the “M” word.

    • Great answer and I can’t say I disagree with any of it.

      As for your question, we have discussed it before when we first met, along with the children question. I’m not against marriage, but I want to make sure it’s with the right person and that hasn’t happened yet. I told her I was in no super rush and she seemed okay with that answer. I believe at some point it will become a more pressing question for her. Right now it’s still rather shiny and new, and although I’m at our new place, she won’t be moved in till the end of the month.

      • Okay, you asked for advice, right?

        If you don’t think you can commit the way she seems to want to you’re already mismatched and somebody is headed for a heartache. Likely, both of you.

        You need to decide if you even can commit long term to someone. This beautiful woman is already planning your wedding in her head, at the very least.

        My gut reaction to what you wrote in the OP was to tell this person who obviously wants very much to commit to you that maybe she should run from moving in together. She views that as a commitment in and of itself already.

        I think you need to do some serious self-reflection before things become any more serious with this woman.

        Really liking someone and “being into them” isn’t the same as love and commitment. I totally second what LAD said, there is no.such.thing. as the ONE. It’s a complete myth. There are a lot of ones. That doesn’t mean you’re settling, either. It just means there are many potential partners who are good match for you.

        Accepting flaws isn’t settling. It’s understanding that people are human. After all, she is apparently willing to accept yours.

        • “You need to decide if you even can commit long term to someone. This beautiful woman is already planning your wedding in her head, at the very least.”

          Oh I definitely can. Most of my relationships last years and it isn’t me who decides to up and leave.

          “She views that as a commitment in and of itself already.”

          It is. It’s the logical next step. And I view it as a commitment as well.

          “Really liking someone and “being into them” isn’t the same as love and commitment. ”

          Oh no. I think I may have inadvertently given the wrong impression. I do love her, or I would never consider sharing a house with her. We both love each other.

          “Accepting flaws isn’t settling. It’s understanding that people are human. After all, she is apparently willing to accept yours.”

          Some of mine, which are many. But it remains to be seen if she accepts them all. Before we saw each other a few times per week. That’s a lot different than sharing a house.

          And of course you can be blunt here. 🙂

  4. everyone is different. everyone needs different types of space, and different quality of that there space. My husband and I are both only children, which gave me pause when we first got married, but I came to realize that for us, we were both used to large amounts of not needing anyone around, and no one’s feelings were hurt by any of it. We are surely not back pocket people, and it works out well.
    in reading this conversation you and your lady friend were having, I felt as if you were backed up against a wall and trying gently to work your way away from it.

    I think you nailed it right here: “I’ve always resisted in relationships where the other person wants to be married.” you have to think about that, hard. If she’s already wanting to commit, then you have to be clear with her about how you feel. No weasel words like maybe or “Im not sure”.

    I know plenty of relationships (even when I was a kid, only no one ever used the word “relationships” back then) that went on for decades, and they were as emotionally committed (perhaps moreso) than many of the marriages I saw.

    I think as women we get scared. That biological clock keeps ticking away, and the closer we get to the edge of that the more nervous we become. If a woman wants kids, she usually wants the marriage that goes with it. It’s what we’ve been taught. I have also known two very solid relationships where the couples decided to marry ‘so they could have kids” and the whole thing blew up in their faces within a few years.

    and one final thing; not everyone is marriage material. It’s not mandatory, and trying to fit into that mold can mess with a lot of lives, obviously.

    (Your GF is a pretty lady. Why does she make that face in her photos? I’d love to see her real face. I suspect she’s a knockout. )

    • Great comment!

      Well the bio clock is a non-issue. I was right up front about not wanting kids. I’ve done my tour of duty and have been fixed.

      I’m not opposed to marriage. I just want it to be the right person and I don’t want to rush into anything. I would love to have that happen to me but I need to be sure.

      I’m also a need my space person.

      And she is a knock out. At least I think so. I am biased though.

      I think she often makes that face because smiling doesn’t come easy for her in pictures. She says they come out looking like she’s wearing a ‘resting bitch face’.

      To be fair, the second one she’s trying to give Dex a kiss. It was their first road trip together.

  5. “Should commitment be unconditional or is there a point where you throw up your hands and head for the nearest exit sign?”

    Here is the Christian point of view… Marriage is made in heaven by God… And the Bible is clear, that divorce is only to be considered, if adultery has been committed…

    We say our wedding vows, for better or for worse…and I can tell you exactly how Christ centered relationships work out almost all the time…

    No sex before marriage… Sex was designed by God for husband and wife…and it is a beautiful thing !! But once married…the key is to a successful marriage is to place the wants and needs of your spouse ahead of your own… Is this easy ?? Heck no !! We want what we want… But I am here to tell you, that if we rely on the power of the Holy Spirit…and follow Jesus’ first and second most important commandments…we can live a full and happy life until death do us part…

    bruce

    • Thanks so much for your opinion. 🙂

      “We say our wedding vows, for better or for worse…and I can tell you exactly how Christ centered relationships work out almost all the time…”

      In divorce?

      Divorce rates among Christians are rather high and even higher in conservative Christian circles.

      “the key is to a successful marriage is to place the wants and needs of your spouse ahead of your own… ”

      I think you’re on to something here though.

  6. (I have lots of opinions! I mean this in the most friendly and helpful way, even if it sounds like a lecture 🙂 I have a handful of friends in your boat, so I’ve given this advice before…..)

    I recently turned 40, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. I can tell you one thing for sure: you’re overthinking all of it. As time goes on, you will inevitably become more and more addicted to the idea that there is a “right one” and that the grass is always greener. And friend, that isn’t a real thing.

    It doesn’t take all that long to know whether or not you are into a person; and you certainly know by the time you move in with them. The parts of the relationship that you are waiting to see about—those things can be worked out. And if they cannot be worked out (outside of extreme circumstances), you will find yourself unable to work them out with anybody. So your choices are: figure it out or be alone.

    If you like being with someone, they will be the “right one” if you let them be. It isn’t magic. You are building a relationship with another person. If you do it right, it gets better. That’s how all relationships work, not just romantic ones. And yes, commitment is important. Are you committed to your close friendships, or do you operate on a “let’s wait and see first” plan with them, too? Don’t make her less important than your other friends.

    Every day of my marriage I have known that he is still showing up again tomorrow. You have to be sure of each other’s commitment to that. You also have to learn to let go of things that aren’t intentional and accept some faults in your partner as permanent—because otherwise, you are looking for a person who doesn’t exist.

    I mean, if one of us cheats or commits some terrible crime, I think we have an understanding that the marriage could be at risk. But the rest of it? I’ll stick around through all of it and so will he. No doubts. If you are incapable of this, you will break up over an issue that will be carried on to every other relationship, and the cycle will repeat itself until you finally get it or give up. Or die.

    It sounds like you have a partner who is willing to stick around and figure it out with you. But I don’t think she can say the same for you. You aren’t the one who should be worried—she should be. You will be the one who doesn’t follow through. You will be the one who creates the “breaking point.” It isn’t supposed to be as complicated as you are making it. You’re just working toward relating better with another human being, right? Life is short. Throw caution to the wind and be all in.

    Sure, there is more to keeping a relationship on track; but you have to start with commitment. People who are afraid of commitment will suffer more romantic heartbreak than anyone. I suspect you might already know that.

  7. You can’t hold yourself and a relationship with a someone else hostage to “what if”. Either you are willing to make the commitment together or you’re not ready for a life long marriage. No problem with that either but if the other person is or wants to be, then comes the issues.

  8. I am like you, no expert on commitments, but I will say this, a long lasting commitment to someone is certainly possible. My first thought would be to say take your time and get to know one another better. Then I think about a friend of mine who lives in a society that believes in arranged marriages. He has been married for several years now to a woman he had never met until almost time to marry her. They are in a solid relationship and have a child now and seem to be doing good. I have also seen friends date someone for several years, get married and then divorce not long afterward. As a christian I could say put your faith in God to lead you to the right person and trust him to keep you together, yet we all see many christian marriages fail. So what is the answer? I wish I could tell you. I know for me and my wife we knew each other for three years and became good friends before we ever started dating. We dated for another three years before getting married. I feel she is my best friend, she understands me and cares for me. I feel the same about her. Our commitment to each other is strong and solid and neither of us could ever think of separating. I have no spiritual or magical answer to how we got to this place, but I know it is possible. I still think not rushing into things and getting to know each other and becoming good friends is important. I hope that helps some.

  9. I didn’t realise it was so complicated. I thought the relationship was supposed to end when they either stop giving you sex… or money. The important thing is to build a solid foundation of routine and low expectation.

  10. Nothing in life is permanent, relationships included. We however wish our relationships to last as long as is possible and do everything towards making that true. But I think if at a future date things are not working and it is impossible to work them, it is best to quit, and do so peaceably

  11. Hey, I’m no expert here but I got married to someone I’ve been with since I was 18 and it’s still awesome. As far as I can see, if you’re going into a marriage already thinking of when and how it will end, then it’s probably not right for you…at the moment, who knows what can change in future? Bravo for being open and honest about it, though, many people wouldn’t voice their fears and end up trapped. Well done!

  12. Pingback: Loving Your Readers – Even The Ones That Disagree With You | Godless Cranium

  13. OK, here’s something to think about … from someone who’s been around the block a time or two.

    Something I’ve noticed over the years is guys seem to instinctively know when it’s the “right one.” There’s no question in their mind. There’s no discussion (as between you and this girl). They simply know “This is the one.” I’ve seen this happen time and again.

    In fact, let me tell you a story.

    Quite some time back, I knew a young man who lived with a young lady for several years. He seemed truly smitten and everyone who knew them were just waiting for the wedding bells.

    Then one day, it was over. Just like that. No hard feelings. He just moved on.

    But the story doesn’t end there. Within the short span of a few months, he met and married someone else. (They may have lived together for a short while — I can’t recall,) When questioned, he admitted he knew the first girl was not the one of his dreams. He cared for her … probably even felt love for her … but he knew in his gut that she was not the one he wanted to marry.

    Whether you feel any of this applies to you, only you can know for sure. But like I said … I’ve seen it happen more than once. In fact, sometimes this is why many men don’t marry until their 40’s … that “right one” simply hasn’t crossed their path.

    • I can relate to this and thanks for the comment. I think there’s a very, very good chance that this is ‘the one’. I haven’t felt this good about someone for a long time and incidentally, that one other person I proposed to but she called it quits shortly afterward.

      I do think we have to live together and truly see the other person, but I’m confident that we can work through our issues when they arise.

  14. I’m not sure how helpful this will be, seeing as I’ve never had a partner/boyfriend, but I might know a thing or two from experiences with friends and family. Maybe it’s a little weird for me to give you advice, seeing as I’m not even 30, but I’ll try.

    Someone has already probably said this (admittedly I haven’t read all the comments), but you have to figure out what marriage actually means to you. For my family, because most of us are Catholic, it generally means belonging to God, and belonging to the other person, but it might mean something else to you.

    When do you call it quits on a relationship that isn’t working? I think it depends on how hard you’re willing to work at it, and what it will take to “fix” it. I can remember two experiences I had with friends where things were going wrong. In both cases, I could have lost a friend, and in one case, I did, because he didn’t do his part.

    In the first case, I had been friends with “S” since we were two. However, when we were on a trip with school to Montreal, he was being a serious turd to me because he wanted to look cool in front of his other friends. Quite frankly, I’m not cool. I tolerated it for a while, but eventually it really got to me, and I called him out on it. He said he was sorry, and I forgave him. A similar thing has happened, as far as I can remember, only one other time. He said he was sorry, and I forgave him because he meant it. I think he and I are closer than we ever were in high school or college.

    In the other case, “H” moved to our town when we were in middle school, which is hard to begin with. My friends and I sort of “adopted” him, and I think he appreciated it at first, but he overstepped his boundaries quite a bit. During the few following summers especially, he would just show up at my house unannounced and expect us to feed him or entertain him. It would have been fine if he did this on occasion, but it was almost daily. He also wasn’t particularly nice to me to begin with. I called him out on it, and told him to cut it out. He didn’t, so I broke ties with him.

    Granted, in both cases, this stuff happened between when I was 13 and 18, so things would probably be different now. I would talk to your partner and seriously figure out what marriage means to her. If you seriously love her and that’s what she wants, then you have to figure out why, and you have to figure out why the idea freaks you out, and what’s more important.

  15. OK, I’ve seen a few warning signs in your post. One – you are seeking the ‘perfect’ relationship. Two – you married at age 19. Three – you are already in a new relationship so soon after the last one broke up. To me they are signs of someone having problems with maintaining relationships.

    OK, here’s a test for you. When you pack the dishwasher (if you have one) do you try and put every single dirty kitchen item into it, and do you feel you have failed if you find you have missed one? Or do you just pack what will fit and what is nearby and leave it at that, happy to pack any other dirty items the next time?

    Test two: when you put out the weekly rubbish (trash), do you try and put it all out, every piece of rubbish in the house, and again feel you have ‘failed’ if you miss an item? Or do you simply empty the bins in the house as they are, not worrying about making sure any items of rubbish on dirty dishes etc have also been put in there. You just put out what is ready and leave the rest for next week?

    Our western society is some what obsessed with perfection and we are constantly taught as a child to try and reach your absolute best. The down side of that teaching is that if you DON’T reach your best, if you don’t reach perfection, you have failed. That is an enormously high bar to set for yourself. Does it really matter if one or two dishes did not get put into the dishwasher (or into the sink)? Does that really mean your life is a total failure?

    Relationships/marriages are not perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. If you are seeking that, you will always fail.

    Romantic relationships are really, underneath it all, just friendships. The person you are in a relationship/marriage with is your best friend with whom you also like to have sex. That’s really all there is to it. The exciting romantic times of ‘being in love’ pass over time, and you are left with a best friend. If the person you are in a relationship with is NOT a best friend, then perhaps the relationship will not last.

    But another question for you, do you demand that your friendships with your good, and maybe best, friends are perfect? Do they have to be perfect? Or do you accept that best friends are not perfect.

    Demanding that your partner is ‘perfect’ is an almighty demand on her. And it leads me to another question. Are you perfect? Well, we have already discussed that issue. I doubt that you are. I bet you do leave a dirty dish out of the dishwasher at times.

    No body is perfect.

    Now, if you are seeking this perfect relationship, and it seems you have been since you were 19, and still are at 40, that makes me think you feel you are missing something in your life, and in yourself, and have been since age 19, or earlier. You are trying to fill the gap with this perfect person who will make your life perfect. It makes me think you had something missing in your life as a child or teen, that you are trying to replace, or fill. Maybe something you lost, or never had in the first place. A bad relationship with your parents? Or maybe the death of a parent or sibling? Or perhaps some emptiness you feel within your own lifestyle and development as an adult?

    The thing is, someone else can’t fill that gap for you. You must do it yourself. If you demand that your partner make your life perfectly happy, you will be putting way too much pressure on that person, and ultimately the person will fail you, or you will fail them, and the relationship will end.

    Your partner, after all, is just another person. Just a normal non-perfect person, just like you. They are not the princess in shining armour coming to rescue you, or the Cinderella who you have been looking for all your life. They are just another average everyday person with their own faults and foibles.

    You need to get to know yourself and work out what it is you are seeking and try and work out all those issues, not run from one failed relationship to another. A sexual relationship is, as I said earlier, just two good friends living together who enjoy similar interests (not necessarily all the same) and who like to have sex together. They are not a mirror reflection of you. They are not a perfect guardian who will guide you through life, they are just a companion along the road of life. And sometimes you will disagree and sometimes you may disagree in a big, huge, way. You work together to develop, build and maintain that relationship.

    But if both of you develop differently and grow apart, that is ok too. And maybe sometimes you will grow apart and not actually be friends anymore and not want to be together. And that is ok too. It is not necessarily a ‘failed’ relationship. It worked for awhile, but now you have moved on to a different place. And you have not necessarily ‘failed’ anymore than when a friendship grews apart.

    OK, I think maybe I’ve said enough, at least for now.

    All the best

    • Haha. Ouch!

      It’s not soon after the last one. It has been a year since my last relationship. Should I wear black and gnash my teeth for decades?

      Why is marrying at 19 a warning sign? I went all in because she was the mother of my children – I did what many of you are saying I should do now.

      I do the dishes by hand.

      I try to get all the garbage but don’t feel like I failed if I miss some. I just wait till next week.

      No. I don’t demand anyone be perfect. I do hold them to the same standards I hold myself too though. I don’t tolerate lying and cheating for example.

      I don’t feel empty and had a pretty normal upbringing. My parents were happily married till my dad died.

      I also feel as though I know myself rather well. I think I may be overly cautious but I think you’re reading too much into this.

      I do agree about the friendship parts.

      Thanks for your comment!

      • OK, just something to think about. Don’t reject it all immediately. The ‘Ouch’ response sounds like you might be. Do some pondering on it. Even someone with happily married parents can have issues in their lives. And I do think one year after a break up is too soon. No, I don’t think you need to be wearing black for a year, but you do need to make sure you are not using the new partner to fill a gap in your life. Jumping into a new relationship so quickly ‘can’ be a sign of that, that is all.

        I guess really my main point was trying to be, that you cannot blame someone else for a failed relationship. Even if they are not ‘perfect’, you cannot control other people. It is up to you whether your relationship works or not, or whether you want a relationship or not. If you do want one, and yet they are not working, you can only look at yourself and see what you can change about yourself to fix it, you can’t put the blame on other people or things or the definition of a ‘relationship’ itself. What do you want? Why are you not getting it? What/how can you change to get it? That includes choosing partners you can live with, not ones you can’t.

        As I said, just something to think about.

  16. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and you can have a committed relationship without marriage. My first marriage didn’t work out, but my second did (34 years already!). The only reason my second marriage worked is that we are, in fact, committed to each other, but we would have been even if we had not married. You either want to stay with someone, or you don’t, and you have to follow your heart on that. Would you ever give up Dexter? Probably not. Would you ever give up the girlfriend? If your answer is “um, I don’t know” or “um, maybe?” you might want to take a long hard look at your relationship. I tried to leave my husband once during a time of extreme stress, but found that I simply couldn’t do it – I would have missed him too much.

  17. Ironically, the last time I made a comment on your blog..was when you were breaking up with your last partner…so I don’t comment often.

    I’ve been married 28 years..tho nearly separated about 4 years ago. It’s been quite the ride. The only thing that saved us was that he’s my best friend. But, I think if I had it over again..I wouldn’t marry, or have kids (that last bit is partly because of the future ahead..with climate change, over-population etc). That’s just my feelings. Any long term relationship requires lots of work to keep it alive. HOWEVER…that doesn’t mean that all relationships are worth fighting for. Some (and I’m talking in general terms)..are better off ending if they’re dysfunctional enough.

    ALSO, marriage is NOT for everyone…and quite honestly, I’m hardly surprised, given your early marriage..that you’re not so keen on the idea. I could be wrong…but It sounds like atm..you don’t want to lose this lady, and worry that if you don’t agree to marry.. in time, that you might. All I can do is offer my voice..amongst the others…to say..Don’t let ANYONE push you into marriage! It’s too big a life decision.

  18. Ha! My answer to your searching question is equally deep: is Dexter betrothed? I’m more than a little jealous to see him whispering sweet nothings to someone else! 😀 That would be where my commitment lay lol. ‘The Mrs’ sounds cool though. I hope you end up doing whatever makes you totally happy. Therein lies the answer I think.

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