How My Family Betrayed Me: Part 2

Alrighty, so I’ll continue the story I began in Part 1, which you can read by following the link.

So a little while went by and I continued to do my own thing. I stopped telling my family personal details about my life, but I figured the whole ordeal was over.

Then my Ex called me again. She told me that my family (my sister and mother) were planning on having an Ex-party. I asked her what the hell an Ex-party was, and she explained that a few weeks back, my sister had invited her to my mother’s house, along with a couple of other Ex’s of mine. She said that at the time she had agreed because she had still been a little sore over our breakup, but that she had later declined because she realized that it wasn’t something she should be doing. And because she thought I deserved more respect than that.

I couldn’t believe my ears. I knew that my mother still talked to a few women I had relationships with, but that she and my sister would plan such a thing infuriated me.

My Ex also told me that it had been my sisters idea and when I asked why she would do such a thing, I was told that my sister had thought it would be funny.

For the life of me, I can’t think of any way that it is even remotely funny.

So I texted my sister. She didn’t respond so I called my mother. By this point I was extremely angry. I rarely get angry but I was splitting flames from my mouth.

My mother didn’t deny it. She said it hadn’t been her idea and she was only allowing it to be held at her house. She said that I had no right to tell her what to do in her house and that it was not a big deal; it was only a small gathering of friends and not an ‘Ex-Party’. It was all innocent and I was making a big deal about nothing.

I got even angrier. I yelled. I told her that she was acting like an idiot. I told her that just because she could legally have an Ex-party at her house, didn’t make it right.

She told me that it hadn’t happened yet and so I shouldn’t worry about it. It probably would never happened.

I told her that it shouldn’t have even been thought of. That it was a stupid, hurtful thing to talk about and that when my sister had suggested it, I would have hoped my mother would shoot it down immediately.

I hung up. Later I thought some more about it and decided that I shouldn’t have yelled or called my mother an idiot. I called her back and calmly apologized for my tone and then poured my heart out, telling her how I felt. I expressed my hurt and disappointment and told her that she had taught me to be honorable and honest. I felt that she had been neither and that I shouldn’t have to learn such thing from my Ex-girlfriend. It astounds me that she had more respect for my feelings than my own family.

When I was finished talking, I asked if she had anything to say. My mother said she had company and couldn’t talk right then. I told her that was fine and to call me when she could talk.

I haven’t heard from her since.

My sister meanwhile, used the same story as my mother.

However, my Ex shared a text message from my sister that blamed her for telling me. She said that my Ex shouldn’t have told me and that she had only been trying to help my Ex get over ‘what I had put her through’. She said that they would probably never hear from me again, thanks to her.

When my sister tried to play innocent, I pasted her text into a message and sent it to her.

Instead of apologizing, my sister said she would call the police for harassment if I texted her any more. Basically, she threatened my livelihood, because being a social worker means having a clean record. I know the police wouldn’t charge me with such silliness, but even so I feel that was a low blow.

My sister also said she would contact me if anything happened to my mother.

Even typing this I feel my anger building. So that’s enough for today. I’ll post Part 3 tomorrow, where I’ll talk about the aftermath and how I feel about the whole thing.

Thanks for reading and comments are always welcome.

 

Advertisements

55 Comments

  1. So my “like” on here is an empathy like. Unbelievable. And I thought finding out *during my grandmother’s funeral* that I was the only person not invited to a family member’s 50th birthday surprise party because her birthday was the day before mine and she didnt’ want to share any attention was bad.

    (I mean, my family has done worse, but in terms of parties and events this is amazing…in a not-good way, obviously)

  2. Wow. With family like that who needs enemies?!? O_o

    I agree with Svegliati. She’s gaslighting you. She’s done something terribly offensive and is playing the victim. When she said she would let you know if anything happened to your mother was that her way of telling you not to contact her again? Ever? Perhaps you should respond with, “Okay. That would be appreciated.” Then let it go. She’s trying to illicit a reaction from you. Don’t let her. The only way to end the “crazy cycle” is for you to change the dance steps.

  3. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this. Your family seems quite non-confrontational. Maybe this is their way of passive-aggressively forcing you to talk to your ex? At any rate, it’s terrible that they’re doing this.

  4. These people are remarkably toxic.😯 In no way is any of this funny. I am so very sorry you are going through this. You were the bigger person and tried explaining to your mom and sister why this Ex party idea was extremely horrible. The more you think this through the more horrible it sounds. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and I’m not even personally dealing with it. Do they get their kicks off making people feel like shit? Because that’s what it sounds like.😔

  5. Um… an Ex Party?? Oh, hell no. lol. That is so wrong on so many levels. I’m glad that your ex told you about it. Another question I have though, is who would actually attend something like that? That would be super awkward. And what are they supposed to all do at this party, gossip about you or talk about how badly their relationship you was or ended? That is really ridiculous. It’s one thing for your mom to keep in touch with some of your exes, but to have a gathering at her house with them all and call it an “Ex Party” is really deceitful and, frankly, mean. You have every right to be angry and upset over this.

    • There were three of them that were going to attend, as far as I know. I don’t think my mom actually called it an ex-party but in essence, that’s what it was.

      I do feel it was mean spirited, and the fact they didn’t tell me about it makes me think they knew it wasn’t a good idea. If it was, they’d have no problem sharing it with me. They just got caught red-handed.

  6. Yikes! I had something very similar happen with a malicicious ex-GF a number of years ago. I’m still on okay to good terms with most of my exes, and one of them tipped me off about it. (None of the others went along the malicious one.) A decade later, I’m still pissed off about it, and will have nothing to do with the one who tried to organize it.

    But family? Jesus. You have my sympathy. The only thing I have to add that’ might be useful is that there are levels of trust, and that they largely determine how close you can be to people. It’s usually not a simple binary choice, especially with family members.

  7. This is certainly not an uncommon situation. I have similar problems in my “family” which has resulted in an almost identical outcome. All I learnt is that it’s entirely inappropriate for my extended family to form friendships with my inner circle. At the end of the day, I have to choose whether I should excuse their disloyalty and put it down to simple ignorance and a self centered outlook on what is appropriate. Once the damage is done, it’s very hard to repair when no one is willing to concede any ground.

    The sad thing is that family should come first, but unfortunately it often doesn’t. The ripple effect means it is often the children that are the ones that suffer the fallout.

  8. You must do me a favour and read Forbes’ A Natural History of Families. It’s about evolutionary biology:
    “Parents are the architects of sibling strife and of conflict between parents and offspring. They make too many babies and then do not provide for all. They play favorites among their children and not only tolerate but foster rivalries. They prefer their offspring to be different, which only makes matters worse. Parents build amphitheaters to observe the contests, and some go so far as to deliberately place offspring gladiators in arenas of sibling warfare from which only one escapes alive. The parents watch from above while their progeny fight a short, bloody, and one-sided battle, and then turn thumbs down on the outcome.”
    and
    “Baby birds and infant humans would seem at first glance utterly different. One hatches after 12 days in an egg; the other is born after 38 weeks’ residence in a womb. One is fed a diet of worms or insects. The other draws sustenance from its mother’s blood before birth, and mother’s milk after. The differences are many and obvious, yet there are important similarities too. Broods of begging nestlings, with necks stretched upward, beaks agape, stubby wings flapping, and a chorus of chirps, are a familiar sight. They are calling to their parents, and the message is easily decoded: “I am hungry–feed me–bring more!” Sometimes the parents will agree, and hurry away to gather worms or damselflies or other insect morsels to ensure that their nestlings are healthy and well fed. But sometimes not. The baby birds go hungry, often with fatal consequences.”
    🙂
    Your family dynamics are subject to the evolutionary dynamics in your family. By indulging your sister, does your mother guarantee her allegiance? When your sister pushes you down in the group hierarchy, does that mean she becomes the next in line for resources? Affection, attention? Most of this happens naturally and instinctively. Just ask the birds pushed out of their nests by cuckoos. Humans personalize everything, and in doing so we ascribe malice, but what we’re actually talking about is survival, emotional and otherwise.

    • Great points. My sister has always been selfish. She told me in the summer that I should travel down to do yard work for mom. She said it was in my best interest to keep mom in the house because when she died. the house would be sold and split. I feel she is doing this in anticipation of my mom passing away, although I may be totally wrong about that.

      I’ll track down that book. It sounds interesting.

      • Evolutionary dynamics is a good one! I had just put it down to people being asses, but if there’s a scientific explanation…

        Although for many people, a basic intelligence and weak moral compass is usually enough to suppress your instinct to screw over your own child. I have to believe we have a choice, otherwise I’m afraid I’m going to have to… KILL ALL HUMANS, since that’s what my instincts are telling me.

        • It happens without us noticing or understanding what we’re doing. If you go through the stereotypes of human interaction, as for example the “evil stepmother”, you can boil it down to one tribal unit defending its interests against a rival group. Everything that happens on the surface is very much an excuse/tool. We can go down the list: sibling rivalry, mid-life crises, affection between mothers and sons or fathers and daughters, even bullying- there’s an underlying evolutionary explanation in every case.
          As for killer instincts:
          “A baby black eagle if it is the second hatched in the nest–the beta chick–faces a life that is poor, nasty, brutish, and decidedly short. Its sibling, four to seven days older, greets it with repeated blows to the face and body. Each chirp or movement triggers another beating, whether the parents are present or not. At one nest, closely observed, the alpha chick delivered nearly three hundred pecks over beta’s first 24 hours, another six hundred during the second day, and more than six hundred on beta’s third and last day of life. By the end of day one, the victim was blood spattered about its face, beak, and eye; by day two its left eye was swollen shut; and by day three it lay weakly on the nest, awaiting death.”

  9. I would suggest you let them come to you. Let this die out and let it go. For some reason you are the bully and the goat in this, and that’s untenable. Back away, GC. Far far away. and save those text messages.

    It almost sounds as if she is blaming you for ‘dumping’ your ex. and allowing your sister to have her way with the revenge. She stays the good guy, but gets the blows in by proxy.

    Save those text messages, if only to remind you, if you weaken. =)

    And from now on, keep your private life away from the family.

    My adopted mother, who was a Narcissist, mamaged to keep me away from my real mother”s funeral (they were sisters) and I had no idea of my real relation to either othem for years after–when my real mom died I told my A.M I wanted to go to the funeral, we could go together. She called again the night after the funeral (they held it a day earlier than had been planned) and when I got angry she said, “oh, I didnt know you wanted to go…” painting me once again as the bad daughter, the neglectful one, the unfeeling chlid. sigh.

    It ain’t easy, being human.

  10. I’m so sorry.. While I was reading that, I couldn’t believe it. If u post for my plane ticket, I’ll show up to the party and put on a shit show!! Ha ha.

    I just can’t get why a mom would allow her daughter to do that to her own son!! I’m really so so sorry!!!!!

  11. Unless part 3 eliminates this suggestion, I would write a letter to both mum and sister, a real letter and explain in detail why you feel as you do with the angle of an emotional loving son and brother. After both of them have cried over your emotional letter put the guilt back onto mum and sister by suggesting if they did not want to see you ever again they should cease contacting you.

    I would say your mother will crack first and I do not mean to make light of your predicament but with females I do not need to tell you that emotion is what they do best.

  12. I just read your whole story. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry to say, but your mother sounds like a narcissist who has scapegoated you and is trying to turn other family members into flying monkeys. If she is, you might be best off going no contact with her at some point. It’s not tit for tat, it would be for your own sanity. Just saying.

  13. Good day! I could have sworn I’ve visited this blog before but
    after looking at some of the articles I realized it’s new to me.

    Anyways, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be book-marking it and checking back often!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s