Sometimes I Feel Like I’m Drowning

Since my breakup, I sometimes feel as if I’m drowning. There are so many things to do, so many things to worry about, so many new changes, and so many feelings that keep trying to bubble to the surface.

Every day I have a low-grade headache. It feels like it’s radiating from the top of my head and coursing downward into my neck. I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything, besides finding something to take my mind off the present. I’ve been reading more, and trying hard to resist the urge to fall into my PS4 and live through gaming. Instead, I’ve been trying to read, write and learn more.

The one good thing that has come from it is the motivation to hit the gym more often. I find it helps with the headaches, and it definitely helps me sleep at night. It also provides a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Last week I went every day. Over the course of 5 days, I lost a total of 4 pounds, which surprised me, although it probably shouldn’t have.

And I do so enjoy the hot tub, pool and sauna afterwards. So relaxing!

Yesterday I added more stress to the pile. I had to buy a bed. I got a fairly good deal on a new double bed. With taxes, frame, mattress, box-spring, warranty, delivery and new sheets, it came to $610. I didn’t want to spend that kind of cash, but I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping on a used mattress.

Yuck!

So I’ve basically got many of the things I’ll need to live. I still have to worry about some of the small things, like utensils, mop, broom, cleaning supplies and all that good stuff we usually take for granted and replace slowly as they run or wear out, but overall, I think I’m getting closer to independence.

Next week I’ll be on holidays. I originally booked it so I could take a nice trip with the significant other, but now I’ll try to use it to coax out some of the stress and clean up some of the things (like bank accounts) that are weighing on my mind at the moment. I think I need it to clear my head a little as well.

While I enjoy my job immensely, I feel as if this feeling will start to affect my performance at some point. Already I feel a bit of anxiety whenever work time rolls around again, but at least I know after one week, I’ll get a bit of a break. It’s nice because labor day will get me an extra day of rest.

The other thing that worries me is that her girls come home from summer holidays soon. I have no idea how they’re going to take the news. We’ve agreed to hold off telling them until closer to my move out date of October 1st, but they’re perceptive girls and I think they’ll probably figure out something is wrong before then.

That could make for a month or so of uncomfortable living.

After the first few days of my holidays, I think I’ll make the roadie down to my moms and spend the night. Our first talk about the break up didn’t go so well, but I could use a night away.

Well, dear reader, sorry for this rambling post. I guess I’m using this blog as a bit of a way to work through my feelings. I understand it’s probably a bit boring to anyone who is reading it. If you’ve made it this far, I salute you.

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46 Comments

  1. I am sorry that you are going through this. But, I am glad that you are dealing with it in this way. It is so important to take care of yourself in a time like this. Try to keep your mind occupied. Even if something reminds you of it, like in a blog you maybe reading, go back and try to concentrate on that again. And writing about it certainly will help, even if you don’t want to publish it.

  2. Congratulations on the weight loss, and sorry to read you are having some struggles. It’s certainly to be expected with all the changes going on. I think you’re on the right track — intense exercising is a great way to increase dopamine, and I think with all the stress you’ve been under that you are likely low in dopamine. Might not hurt to increase foods in your diet that contain tyrosine. http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/04/07/foods-that-increase-dopamine-think-tyrosine/ or think about taking the supplement L-Tyrosine.

    Proteins found in animal products tend to have the highest concentration of the amino acid. I know you are a vegetarian, but if you are not a vegan, egg whites will give you a good boost. There’s also a list of fruits, nuts and veggies in the link. Since you are no longer sexually active, that will cause dopamine to plummet. Stress impacts your brain waves. I would suggest that you don’t completely discount gaming, as it increases brain wave activity, and increased brain wave activity increases dopamine production.

    Sorry for the unsolicited advise. I went through a breakup (divorce) 5 years ago after 9 years of marriage. That breakup on top of breaking up with Jesus 5 years previously, made me feel much like you are describing.These are some of the tools that helped me. However, I didn’t use gaming to increase my brain waves. I used brainwave entrainment neurotechnology. Also, reading and blogging was very beneficial.

  3. It’s totally okay 🙂 I won’t say that I know how you feel because I REALLY don’t, but I’m so glad that you’re managing. Use this blog, and the gym, as a sort of therapy. I wish you all the best of luck with your mum and with EVERYTHING.

  4. oh have some more advice =)

    stop trying to tamp down what youre feeling. The gym is good, and you might consider (if you havent already) hitting the bags while you’re there. Don’t be in a hurry, GC, it takes time to work through stuff like this, no matter how mutual and adult you both were. Possibly the headaches are coming from you trying to keep things down when they should be aired a bit.

    When we bought our last mattress, the salesman was outraged that we weren’t buying a ‘matching’ boxspring to go with it. I breathed the words “platform bed” and I thought he was going to faint dead away, lol.
    My husband built a nice heavy plywood frame for the bed itself and the mattress on that is perfect. The only support a box spring gives is to the saleman.

    And yes, please, get as fussy and cranky and outrageous as you need to in here.
    If youre not comfortable with the open air version, you can always make it private.

    • Haha! Your husband sounds handy. I’m definitely the opposite of handy.

      You might be right about the headaches, but I think it’s more from trying to think of everything at once and getting crappy sleeps. It’s harder to turn my brain off. Plus, I stress silently, and sometimes don’t even know I’m stressing.

      I’ll let the cranky monster out.

      ROOOOOOAR!

    • Oops!
      … one of the great things about blogging.
      I interpret your symptoms as meaning you really care about others. You are trying to do what’s best but hate that it causes others discomfort. But you’re not doing anything wrong. It may just take time for your subconscious to catch up to reality.
      Or I’m just a clueless psychologist wannabe. Either way, I think you are awesome. And so does Dexter.

  5. Poopie!!!

    That’s all I got.

    Nah, I got more…I am so sorry you feel like this. Not that this helps but the way you feel seems totally normal given your situation. Breakups SUCK! Going to the gym sounds like a good idea from the standpoint of endorphins and having something to focus on. Enjoy your new bed and get some good sleep. 🙂

    You will get through this.

  6. Sorry to read of your challenges. I have experienced similar motivational challenges since my Christian faith crumbled. It can be a symptom depression if life just seems too hard and getting out of bed is a challenge.

    I can’t really give you any advice. But I will say that I really appreciate your blog. So thanks for that.

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