1) Slap a warning label on that bad boy that says, “This book is not to be taken literally”.
2) In addition to the warning label, provide color coding so that people know which stories to believe and which ones are nothing but an analogy or parable. Not only would this help atheists, but you’d probably cut down the number of Christian denominations from around 40,000 to just a few.
3) Instead of handing out instructions on how to own slaves, just pronounce it unethical to keep and hold slaves.
4) If one of your biggest duties as a deity was to get the ball rolling, you could at least get the creation story correct. For example, on the first day you can’t separate day and night if you don’t create the stars (and hence the sun) until the fourth day. Come on God!
5) Have one person writing the bible. You could solve so much with this one alone. Hell, better yet, why not do the writing yourself.
6) Have your book that is meant for all humankind be written in all the known languages so that you don’t have to rely on translators or translations. After all, this is supposed to be the most important message ever. Let’s make sure everyone can read it, okay God?
7) Include something in your book that people of that era wouldn’t have known. Some suggestions off the top of my head would include the cure for cancer, the cure for AIDS or renewable energy sources and how to harness them efficiently.
8) Make it absolutely clear what parts of the Old Testament are to be ignored. I mean are we really supposed to stone our children for being disobedient or can we cut them a little slack? What’s the deal here? With a little clarification we probably could have given same-sex couples equal rights a little sooner or something. This is important stuff, God.
9) Be consistent! Let’s cut out the cherry picking or chances that someone can cherry pick verses. For example, don’t proclaim in one part of the book that you’re a God of war and in the next say you’re a God of peace. This crap is terribly confusing and again, I thought the idea was to provide answers.
10) Provide the bible in more than one medium, maybe even with an update mechanism. I mean, what if you’re illiterate? You’re now having to trust someone else to read the bible for you. My GPS updates, but the bible doesn’t have an update mechanism. Maybe God, you can provide one, since it should be a fairly basic thing for you to do. Just think how much easier it would be if the language just modernized as time went on.
I hope you enjoyed my list of 10 ways to improve the bible. I don’t know why I wrote it. I guess I’m just in one of those moods today.