10 Ways To Improve The Bible

Family-bibleSo many questions could be answered and so many lives could have been saved if the bible (or god or the inspired writers) would have thought to do a few things.

1) Slap a warning label on that bad boy that says, “This book is not to be taken literally”.

2) In addition to the warning label, provide color coding so that people know which stories to believe and which ones are nothing but an analogy or parable. Not only would this help atheists, but you’d probably cut down the number of Christian denominations from around 40,000 to just a few.

3) Instead of handing out instructions on how to own slaves, just pronounce it unethical to keep and hold slaves.

4) If one of your biggest duties as a deity was to get the ball rolling, you could at least get the creation story correct. For example, on the first day you can’t separate day and night if you don’t create the stars (and hence the sun) until the fourth day. Come on God!

5) Have one person writing the bible. You could solve so much with this one alone. Hell, better yet, why not do the writing yourself.

6) Have your book that is meant for all humankind be written in all the known languages so that you don’t have to rely on translators or translations. After all, this is supposed to be the most important message ever. Let’s make sure everyone can read it, okay God?

7) Include something in your book that people of that era wouldn’t have known. Some suggestions off the top of my head would include the cure for cancer, the cure for AIDS or renewable energy sources and how to harness them efficiently.

8) Make it absolutely clear what parts of the Old Testament are to be ignored. I mean are we really supposed to stone our children for being disobedient or can we cut them a little slack? What’s the deal here? With a little clarification we probably could have given same-sex couples equal rights a little sooner or something. This is important stuff, God.

9) Be consistent! Let’s cut out the cherry picking or chances that someone can cherry pick verses. For example, don’t proclaim in one part of the book that you’re a God of war and in the next say you’re a God of peace. This crap is terribly confusing and again, I thought the idea was to provide answers.

10) Provide the bible in more than one medium, maybe even with an update mechanism. I mean, what if you’re illiterate? You’re now having to trust someone else to read the bible for you. My GPS updates, but the bible doesn’t have an update mechanism. Maybe God, you can provide one, since it should be a fairly basic thing for you to do. Just think how much easier it would be if the language just modernized as time went on.

I hope you enjoyed my list of 10 ways to improve the bible. I don’t know why I wrote it. I guess I’m just in one of those moods today.

Cheers!

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70 Comments

  1. I like the proposal for an update mechanism and and a version in each language to remove the need for translation.

    If God really existed and the Bible was his instruction to humanity then a Joseph Smith type gold plates, or even a Moses stone tablets would have been helpful. That way we could at least know the correct master version.

    How can anyone seriously see this as a divine work when there are not two individual non printed manuscript versions which are the same? This becomes quite staggering when the 5,000 different NT manuscripts are considered. So we have at least 5,000 different versions of the NT, which one is correct?

      • Reminds me a bit of an old Joke:

        A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

        So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

        The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

        Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the “R”, we missed the “R”. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

        The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was CELEBRATE!”

    • A divine work, created by and approved by, the Creator, would be in and of itself a magical (or at least holy) manuscript, subject to the laws of Holy, and unchangeable. Mistakes would never happen. Errors in geography or clarity would not exist. No one could change it into something ‘better”.

      And when you read it the words would be in your language, automatically. Kinda like Google translate.

  2. I’ve got a couple more!

    11. Make sure that the original manuscripts are indestructible, so that later copies can be checked against them for accuracy.

    12. Have the book arrive in a form not possible with any other book, so it’s unmistakable which book is the special one from god. Like having it grow on trees, for example.

  3. “Have your book that is meant for all humankind be written in all the known languages so that you don’t have to rely on translators or translations.”

    If the apostles could speak in tongues so that everyone understood in his own language, why could the Bible not be “written in tongues” so that each person who reads magically understands it?

  4. I think of science as God’s explanation for things. I also think that he doesn’t do what most people think of as miracles any more because he uses people. For example, I have epilepsy, but it’s mostly under control because of my meds. I consider that a miracle. I think a lot of things depend on your perspective.

    • A lot of people died of preventable things before science figured it out. You’d think god could move a little faster in that department as well.

      Sorry about your epilepsy. If you took god out of the equation, you’d still have meds. It’s funny how that works. With or without god, things seem to operate as though it doesn’t exist.

      • I have faith in God for a lot of reasons. I would still have my meds, but I wouldn’t have as much hope. There are a lot of reasons why I believe in God, and particularly in the Christian God. You might call a lot of those reasons coincidences or just weird phenomena. I feel like a lot of my prayers have been answered, for one thing. Particularly, my meds sometimes don’t work 100% like they should, so I pray when I’m having issues and at least 90% of the time the problem gets solved. I have no idea why God does a lot of things the way he does, but I think it’s okay to ask those questions. He gave us minds that are capable of doing that.

        • But do you notice the times when you pray and the prayer does not get answered? Maybe you should keep a tally and see what the ratio of answered prayers is to unanswered ones. People who believe their prayers are answered often seem to forget the times they aren’t. Why do you have your medical condition? Why did God allow that to happen? And why don’t your meds always work 100% of the time?

              • God allows bad things to happen because way back at some point in history people disobeyed him. Don’t ask me for specifics because I can’t provide them. The world is kind of screwed up as a result of that, but he will fix it. It seems like it’s taking a long time, but our perception of time is different than his. Eventually the world will be put right and there will be no disease, death, etc. The God I believe in is the most powerful being in the universe, and he is the essence of love.

                • 🙂 you seem like a nice person and I am not trying to have a go at you personally, just engaging in the endless debate between believers and non-believers, OK?

                  So, here goes, switch off if you are totally bored with this conversation.

                  That excuse for the randomness of god’s actions are always used. Why do you have this health condition? Because someone somewhere did something wrong and God is punishing you because of that? Huh? The Ancient Greeks had such a theory too, that the gods continue to punish the children of someone who did something wrong back generations before. Gee, thanks god! So, my great great great grandfather did some sin and I get punished? That accounts for the whole Oedipus Story – Oedipus was punished for his father’s sins.

                  What is happening is that those creating the religion say, ‘God will reward you, and God will save you.’ But then he doesn’t. People turn around to the Priest and ask, ‘what the–?’ So the Priest makes up something to justify it. ‘Umm, arr, well, gee, someone must have sinned.’ The followers all look at each other, then back to the priest and say, ‘Wasn’t me, gov.’ So then the Priest again has to hunt around in his head to make up some other excuse. ‘Umm, must have been someone in the past who sinned, and we are still suffering from that crime.’ So the followers all looked stunned, and say, ‘why does he punish us for something someone else did?’ And the Priest then comes up with the argument to end all arguments, ‘God works in mysterious ways.’

                  Imagine if a policeman dragged you into a court room and the judge condemned you to jail for something someone ELSE did.

                  It is just excuses to try and account for the obvious flaws in the argument. It is not based on observation, because observation says the events are random, and there is no evidence of any higher power behind it at all.

                  It is based on emotion. Your emotion says you want to believe in a higher power, that it is too scary and confusing to believe that there is no such thing, so, you are going to believe anyway and ignore logical rational thinking.

                  So, anyway, whatever. Each to his own 🙂

                  • Yikes, okay… I’m actually enjoying this conversation because it’s good to think about this stuff and try to answer these questions.

                    It wasn’t just that one person/people who sinned. After that, people continued to sin, and still do. Because of Jesus, our souls are saved for the long run, but until things are put right, shit happens (pardon my French). In the meantime we’re supposed to live right to the best of our ability. There are questions that I don’t know the answer to, but I’m okay with that because I trust God. Our relationship with him is meant to be an emotional one. I emotionally need to have something bigger to look to, so you’re right about that. However, I want what I believe in to make sense, and it does make sense to me.

                    • Glad you are enjoying the conversation. 🙂

                      So, in other words, a whole bunch of people in the ancient past did something the jealous god didn’t like, and he went off in a huff and said he was gonna punish humans (the creatures he created in his own image etc) for, like, ever, until he felt vindicated and then he would get around to doing something about it to fix things up, eventually. Wow, nice guy. He sounds like a petulant child to me. And sounds like yet another excuse to explain the randomness of nature.

                      Actually, my theory is that he is playing a Sims game and at first had fun creating all sorts of obstacles for his characters, then got bored and just left the game, but instead of switching it off he has let it continue to run on its own, so all sorts of random weird things happen.

                    • I can’t explain why God has had things happen how they happen for as long as they happen. For a lot of people, this won’t be a satisfactory answer, but I just think things happen the way they do because they have to. Like I said, at a certain point, it’s a matter of trust, and I trust God. This morning I had a prayer answered before I was even done praying, and that’s enough for me. I can’t say for the rest of humanity. I can’t even prove with logic or objective evidence that he exists. I just believe that he does and that he cares about me.

                    • Ah well, to each his own. 🙂

                      It comes down to some emotional thing inside you that says it is true. I actually do remember that feeling. I believed as a child and teen. I well remember about age 15 thinking how weird it was for some people to not believe in God. I remember myself saying, ‘it is just obvious that God is real’. LOL. Funny to look back on now, but it does give me some insight into the feeling. I remember so well, just believing unequivocally. I guess the question then is, what made me change … ?

  5. Comment:
    We insist on the latest appliances, with up to date instruction manuals; cars, toasters, microwaves, computers. Would anyone consider trying to repair a glitchy computer with an instruction booklet written for an old IBM Selectric Typewriter?

    Would you want to try to fix the wiring in your 2015 Chevy truck using a manual for a 1957 Ford station wagon?

    And yet the instruction manual for our up to date and modern selves turns out to be a book written in one language (or more), over a period of several thousand years, translated and “adjusted” a bajillion times, and yet we rely on this terribly old OLD book while trying to live a modern life–

    Just a thought, here. Carry on.

  6. To be fair, I really don’t like losing the concept of heaven. Anything that promises to keep my boat afloat after I die. Waking up at 2 AM and realizing just how dark…
    no one wants that in front of them. Every major religion has managed to construct an afterlife, resplendent with those things denied to believers in the real world. Who can blame people for not wanting to die into darkness?

    but being a practical woman I have to admit, witihout a god running it, there’s not much sense in having a heaven without him. or her. Or them.

  7. Pingback: Part #1 – A Refutation of ‘Godless Cranium.’ | Historical Jesus studies.

  8. Pingback: At Least Read What I Wrote Before Refuting Me | Godless Cranium

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