I lost my dad two years ago to lung cancer. I held his hand as his blood pressure and heart rate dropped. I was there when he took his last breath.
I still wake up some nights reliving that moment – my heart pumping wildly and a scream half-formed on my lips.
But that’s a tale for another blog post, I think.
My dad had never been a big talker. When he said something, you knew it had to be important. He also didn’t show his emotions often.
Although my mother seems to hate all things technology, my dad loved to explore its potential. He had an older model computer with internet capability. He would spend hours playing around with it, despite my mother giving him a death stare every time the dreaded computer was mentioned by him or anyone else in our family.
It wasn’t long after he’d passed away that my mother got rid of the computer. In fact, I type the majority of my blog posts using my dad’s old monitor.
Since my father wasn’t much of a talker, and he certainly wasn’t what you’d describe as ‘touchy feely’, I often wish he would have kept some sort of journal. Since he enjoyed technology, it would have been wonderful to discover he’d kept a blog much like this one or some other sort of digital diary.
Of course, a hand-written diary would have worked just fine as well.
However, I can picture my father sitting in the glow of his beloved computer, typing away while my mother slept in the room across the hall. I can picture him staring at the screen I’m looking at right now, trying to figure out how to phrase his next sentence, much clearer than I could ever imagine him scrawling his thoughts on a piece of paper.
It would have been wonderful to discover such a journal. I would have treasured it always. Whenever I found myself missing my father, I would always have that journal to read. I imagine it would be like having him with me again, if only for a few minutes.
I often wonder what my father thought.
Was he proud of me? What did he dream about? What sorts of thoughts did he have that he didn’t share with anyone else?
There are still so many things I’d like to ask him; to tell him. But he’s gone now, even if the questions still remain.
So if you’re reading this and have children, perhaps give some thought to keeping a personal blog. I sincerely think it’s worth it. I’m sure your children will treasure it like I would, if my father had kept one of his own.
And don’t waste a second. Soak up every moment you can with your loved ones before they’re gone.
Note: I love you dad. And even though I know you probably can’t hear me, I miss you dearly.