The Burn in Hell Test

Okay, this article is about the test that Christians say humanity has to undergo in order to determine your souls destination after death. You can go to heaven or you can go to hell. They used to have a middle ground called purgatory, but it stopped being a cash cow for the church so they put a stop to that nonsense. Now we just have the basics – heaven and hell.

Heaven is the place you go to if you believe that Jesus was the son of God and if you try to live by the tenets set forth by the Christian religion.

On the other hand, if you’re an atheist like me or don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God, well you’re destined for some good old fashioned hellfire. Not for 10 years or even 100 years but for all time. All time is a pretty hard concept for the human mind to grasp. It’s like saying 100 trillion. Our minds can’t really picture those sorts of numbers. Even if we think about how long our planet has been around (somewhere in the vicinity of 15 billion years) our minds start to balk at the absurdly huge number. But somehow, Christians don’t have a hard time putting people like me there for all time because we didn’t believe in Jesus.

And the thing that bothers me is when Christians say something like, “Well, you don’t believe in Hell so why does it bother you?”

Yeah, I don’t believe in hell but that doesn’t mean I don’t resent the fact that Christians arrogantly believe I’m going to be tortured for all time either. I don’t even wish that sort of thing on my worst enemies. It’s like me saying that they’re going to get into a car accident in the next ten minutes and be left in a vegetative state for the rest of their natural lives. Do they believe it’s actually going to happen?

No, but of course they’re not going to like me much for wishing it on them either or for even entertaining the idea and I don’t blame them.

Hell is even worse than being left in a vegetative state for 30 or 40 years. It’s supposed to be a place of torture and ruin and it lasts forever.

So how does this omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, all-loving God determine who gets to go to heaven or hell?

It’s pretty easy actually. All you have to do is believe in Jesus and try to live like the Bible tells you and you’re given a key to the Pearly Gates. Don’t believe and to Hell you go, my friend! Seems fair, right? Believe go to heaven. Disbelieve and go to hell.

It seems pretty easy but the entire test is completely flawed and rigged. Let’s review why I make this assertion.

1) Religion is geographical and in most cases, people believe in the God(s) their parents do. So if you’re unlucky enough to be born in Egypt, you’re probably a Muslim and according to Christians, destined for Hell. It’s like this omnipotent God set up a sucker punch to knock you on your ass before you were even born.

2) Everybody comes from different economic backgrounds and have different opportunities. This is bound to interfere with their belief structures.

3) Babies or toddlers who die never had a chance to make up their minds. Guess they go to hell. How fair of God is that? But on the other hand, some Christian sects have realized that this is a serious flaw in their doctrine so they just say kids go straight to heaven. They get a free pass. When you think about it, according to Christian doctrine, they’re actually the lucky ones. They get to skip the bloody test and go straight to heaven.

4) Some people just can’t believe. Sure, they can tell people they believe but that doesn’t mean they actually do. Of course, God should have known this ahead of time but I guess He decided they had to take the test anyways. How loving of Him.

5) Everyone is born with different intelligence levels. I guess God gets to determine who has a better chance at passing his faulty, rigged test.

6) You know when you take the written portion of your driver’s license test, you can get a manual to study from so that there are no excuses for your failure, although thousands fail anyways? Same with Christianity. Except, they provide you with a 2000 year old book and tell you to believe no matter what. Imagine the look on someone’s face if they went in to get the drivers manual and were handed a crumbling book of 2000 year old texts that were written in a bunch of different languages by people who had never even seen a car?

Yeah…that’s fair. What? You don’t believe that Jesus died for your sins and was the son of God? Didn’t you read the book?

7) You’ve decided to save yourself and believe in Jesus. But wait! There are about 38,000 Christian sects within the Christian faith. What if you get it wrong and believe in the wrong one?

Don’t worry…just close your eyes and take a wild guess. It’s only your soul at stake after all.

8) You know how on most tests, there is a time limit of some kind? Not for the God test. You could check out at any time. You might get 80 years to figure it out or 10 years. Doesn’t matter though. You know the rules.

There’s a few of the ways that the Hell Test is completely flawed. The rules aren’t clear and you almost get sent to either hell or heaven arbitrarily because the Christians themselves can’t even make up their minds what the test parameters are.

And that’s ignoring the whole part that if God can see everything now and in the future, why even bother with the test anyhow? Just create the soul and look at it and send it where you already know it’s going. Just skip the whole middle thing where we struggle with disease, hunger and hardship. He already knows what we’re going to do anyways.

It’s also nonsensical to me that the most important thing that this God wants is belief and praise. Imagine for a minute that I’m God. It would be like me walking out into my backyard and seeing a bunch of potato bugs and screaming at them to praise me. Does that sound loving or just sociopathic?

Of course, the potato bugs have a leg up on me because at least they can see me.

I’ve been told that this test is ‘just’ and God is all-loving. I don’t see it. I see a rigged test with a certain outcome that the tester already knows in advance. That’s not just. That’s just illogical.

And yes, it pisses me off just a tiny bit to know that Christians everywhere are thinking behind their eyes that I’m destined and deserving of eternal punishment.



  1. Very well said! But… now that you've covered the basics, what's left to blog about?? :/

    Oh and “val”, God has never been proven and it is very unlikely that he/she/it will ever be proven. How silly of you to think otherwise.

  2. Item 3 is the biggest problem for Christians. If babies go to hell, miscarriages and abortions damn a soul for eternity. My mother believes this, and she had two miscarriages.

    I don’t think she’ll ever forgive herself. It’s torture of the worst variety. It’s bad enough to lose a kid, but to blame yourself for eternal damnation of that child? Yeah, it makes the harshness of dogma very real.

    On the flip side, if someone says infants are innocent and go to Heaven, it raises an interesting question. Why not kill your kids to ensure they go to Heaven? Also, abortion isn’t bad period because your kid auto goes to Jesus. Finally, if kids don’t go to hell, then it completely ignore original sin.

    There are similar constructs of thinking for all of these other items you list. And they all will negate a different part of dogma to apologize for the above beliefs.

    Ultimately, this is a great post because it’s a great example of how Christianity cannot be internally consistent if its adherents try to apologize for it.

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